Not So Normal Girl

First Shoutout to my best friend for a bomb ass picture caption which became the title of my blog. Inspired by Sza (Normal Girl) Sidenote: The CTRL album was the shit.  Anyway back to the blog so I pondered on the lyrics of the song “I wish I was a normal girl”. I had so many thoughts. My initial thought was I feel so far from normal. Then I thought even harder like why am I not a normal girl. I’ve said this once before but being a creative person is really a gift and curse at the same time. I feel like creative people have special brains and special hearts that never stop going. It’s hard to explain but if you’re a creative then you will get it. The main thing I thought about is my life as an adolescent. I feel like being raped at the age 17 forced me to grow up even faster. I also wonder how would life be if it never happened. I guess I wouldn’t have Worthy Women and thats a big part of my life now.  I can’t stress enough how much traumatic experiences affect you forever. Imagine being afraid to shower alone, afraid to leave your house, afraid to go to the store, afraid to go to school, afraid to fall asleep, just afraid all the damn time. Its not a good feeling! At 17 years old I felt like my life was over. Still shocked as I type this of how my life has changed so much.  I was VERY shy growing up and sometimes I still am but for the most part Ive bloomed out of my shell. Its crazy because the things I was known for like being shy and quiet were used against me when I was raped.

Example number 1: Umhm I knew she wasn’t shy

Example number 2: Yeah them quiet girls be the worst ones.

 How tf does that work? oh yeah, its called Victim Blaming. It was the worst years of my life when people assumed that me being raped wasn’t the truth and that I was framing two completely innocent boys. Yeah right. The sad part is False blaming is a real thing. I think individuals that lie about those things are sick but it really sucks for people that it actually happens to. Some days I still get really pissed about how uneducated my people are. People like to minimize real problems like domestic violence and sexual assault just because it’s uncomfortable to talk about. Well, screw that! That’s what Consent Culture is all about.

 

Quick lesson: “Rape is a type of sexual assault usually involving sexual intercourse or other forms of sexual penetration carried out against a person without that person’s consent. The act may be carried out by physical force, coercionabuse of authority, or against a person who is incapable of giving valid consent, such as one who is unconscious, incapacitated, has an intellectual disability or is below the legal age of consent.”

“Lack of consent is key to the definition of rape. Consent is not always expressed verbally, and may instead be implied from the context and from the relationship between the parties, but the absence of an objection does not of itself constitute consent. Lack of consent may result from either forcible compulsion by the perpetrator or an incapacity to consent on the part of the victim (such as persons who are asleep, intoxicated or otherwise mentally compromised)”

I’m going to stop right here because that is a lot of information to take in but very important!

 

The point is at the age of  17 my life changed because of the actions of others. I struggled with anxiety, depression, self-blame, distorted self-image, denial, numbness, guilt, relationships, trust, and the list goes on and on! I wonder do rapist think about that ever ? probably not. They are already battling their own shit which probably leads to their fucked up decisions. Excuse my vulgar language just had to get real for a moment.

 

For the most part, I have conquered a lot of the negative effects of being raped but still to this day I am affected by the trauma. I’m scared very easily, I hate movies with too much suspense. I have a hard time being comfortable in relationships, I struggle with sexual relations. It takes me forever to get comfortable with someone. I shut guys out very easily. I don’t hate guys at all but my process is just different.  Honestly, unless you’ve been through it, you probably wouldn’t understand. The craziest thing is everyone’s healing is different. In 6 years I have built up such a thick confidence that it’s really remarkable. I have accepted that I am not a Normal girl and that’s okay.

When I first started this blog I had so many directions I wanted to take and just started typing so my thoughts may sound shuffled but I’m working on it and who knows it may be a part 2.

 

As always thanks for reading please, share like and subscribe 💋

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